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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Belladonna's LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, May 17th, 2006
4:57 pm
The King & The Tyrant.......


he haunts me....
it has been three months, and yet
he is still there, writhing under my skin
haunting me....when i am alone with myself
how easy it was at first....to break away
my temper there to fuel me on
but now.....now that the anger has dissipated
all there is
is the void of him that cannot be masked
the emptiness i feel every night
this man that had the power to lift my spirit
was also capable of wounding me with a razor tongue
one that sliced me at will, and does....or did
and here i am......missing him
quite the masochist i turned out to be
there is no healing for this hurt
i love the king
and want to kill the tyrant
but they are two sides
of the same coin.......

Current Mood: melancholy
Monday, February 13th, 2006
5:17 am
What The Hell?
hmmmm.....my mind paused for a moment on the phrase.....what the hell?
what the hell......where could that expression have come from? if you break it down word by word they dont really make any apparent sense. so of course i had to know.....

i found this......
http://www-personal.umich.edu/~jlawler/aue/thehell.html

""What the hell" is used to express disregard for conventional procedure and precautions, in varying degrees (the phrase has some of the same implications as "devil-may-care"). It is usually a phrasal interjection, without further syntactic ramifications:

What the hell, let's just compile it now and see if it runs.
The odds were 100 to 1, so I said what the hell, I'll bet it all.

This is sometimes spelled in eye dialect as "wotthehell" or the like. Don Marquis's character Mehitabel in "archy and mehitabel" immortalized this usage in the field of English (lowercase) letters:

wotthehell wotthehell theres life in the old girl yet

"What the hell" is sometimes seen with an exclamation point, but should not be written in this usage with a question mark (or pronounced as a question); "What the hell?", often with multiple question marks, is short for a true question, like "What the hell is going on?" or "What the hell did you say?".

Another fixed phrase is "The hell you say" ("*The hey you say"),expressing (often surprised) disbelief at the last thing the speaker has been told. It can function merely to express shock, or as an active challenge, equivalent to calling your conversation partner a liar. Conventions vary, and one should not use this phrase in a speech context without having heard it used there before, and understanding its implications.

(Note, parenthetically, that the use of the definite article with "hell" is in itself idiomatic; like "heaven", "home", "school", and in the UK, at least, "hospital" and "university", these are locatives pure and simple.

If you say a bad word you'll go to (*the) Hell. )

The other uses of "the hell", on the other hand, have plenty of syntax. It appears to be short for "in the hell", which is also heard, along with "in hell", though less frequently. Both "in the hell" and "the hell" are restricted to WH-questions, where they follow the interrogative WH-marker. NB: either, but *not* both, of (in) and (the) may be deleted in these

Who (in) (the) hell is that?
What (in) (the) hell are they doing?
How (in) (the) hell did she get invited?
Where (in) (the) hell did he come from?
Why (in) (the) hell did you do that?
When (in) (the) hell is this rain going to stop?

This also applies to embedded questions, which have different syntax:

I don't know who (in) (the) hell that is.
I don't know what (in) (the) hell they're doing.
I don't know how (in) (the) hell she got invited.
I don't know where (in) (the) hell he came from.
I don't know why (in) (the) hell you do that.
I don't know when (in) (the) hell this rain is going to stop.

Pragmatically, "the hell" functions as an intensifier, usually indicating at least surprise, and often unpleasant surprise, and there is almost always another word in the sentence that receives contrastive stress to indicate that it is the focus of the surprise. Co-occurence of other interjections and topic particles like "well" is also common. The idea seems to be to mark the sentence strongly, iconic with the strength of the emotion to be expressed.

Hell is considered by many (but not by as many as it used to be) to be a taboo word, like "death" or "cancer". Therefore it spawns euphemisms, which are words meaning the same thing as a taboo term, but considered safer for bystanders by experts in word magic."


the word for today is paranthetically........

Current Mood: curious
Tuesday, November 1st, 2005
5:04 pm
The Skeleton In The Coffin.....
i had a most perfect halloween last night......

bill, a friend and co-worker of mine, had been badgering me all week to come to the "trail of terror" he and his friends have every year for the occasion. knowing how much work he put into it it led my curiosity wandering to what exactly was incorporated in this trail of terror. so me and chris....or christopher robbins as i call him....decided to go. finding it was a task in itself, but we finally made it there.

when we arrived they were taking a break, so we chatted some with bill and erica, his girlfriend, along with the others that participated in the event. bill noted he had something to show me and led me to the entrance where there was a skeleton in a made up coffin standing against the fence. he proceeded to tell me about how the skeleton was donated from a neighbor that day, knowing they have this shindig every year, he thought it would make for a nice addition. at first they thought it was a fake, as most would.....but upon closer observation bill and the others were convinced it was an authentic human skeleton. of course i had to investigate for myself, thinking they were just toying with me....so i ordered them to shine some light on it and i thoroughly inspected it with my natural discerning eye. i felt the bones, they had an aged smoothness to them.....i noticed the slight erosions around the joints, which were porous in certain places.....but what sold me, was the broken rib bones, looking at the cross section you could clearly see the marrow cavities......this was an authentic human skeleton! the first one i have ever had the pleasure of openly touching and exploring. i became facinated after that, touching all the surfaces....i held the skeleton's hand in my own and remember realizing that thats what the bones in my own hand look like underneath all the flesh....i thought of african elephants, how when they come across other elephant bones, they stop and touch them.....just as i was touching these human remains. it was marvelous....so much so that bill had to sort of pull me away because they were ready to start the trail of terror tour....the reason i was there in the first place.

the trail of terror was impressive....they did an outstanding job. i wasn't necessarily scared....it takes much more to scare me.....i was more amused than anything with all the props and creativity they came up with. they even had a realistic animatronics dinosaur which i found out later one of the guys had done all by himself with his own ingenuity. it wasn't just props either....they created entire atmospheres for each set with lighting, noise, and smoke.....and that is what made it effective. i wish we had gone earlier so i could see the little kiddies screaming thru it....hahaha. alas, we were the last tour of the night......

afterward, we gathered around a little bonfire they had made to get warm. they talked about the behind the scenes and how things worked, and how drunk they were that night....apparently most of them had been drinking rum and coke's since the afternoon...hahaha. just then someone pointed to the sky and as i turned around and looked up i saw a blazing falling star shoot across the night. i had never seen one that clear or brilliant before. a magnificent moment.....

before we left i had another session with the skeleton....i couldn't help myself....hahaha. bill asked me what the best part was, and of course i said the skeleton, to which he pointed out that after all the hard work they did all week....the highlight turned out to be something they received that day.....we all had to laugh at the irony there. bill came up with the idea to prop the skeleton to hold the cauldron of candy at the entrance so when the kiddies take the candy, they are taking it from the actual dead.....a great idea......but that will be for next year.......

a most magical hallow's eve it was......

Current Mood: enthralled
Saturday, October 22nd, 2005
5:40 am
Guilt Of The Goth.....
goth loner arrested for death of lawyer's wife......

naturally this headline caught my eye immediately....
i had actually been keeping track of the case itself....the bludgeoned death of this lawyer's wife, simply because it seemed suspicious. the spouse of a high profile televised lawyer killed suddenly, in such a way, with no apparent motives to be found. not many are bludgeoned to death in this day and age.....which provokes the idea that it was done in a fit of rage. of course the husband lawyer was my first thought....but after watching a video stream of an interview he did, i got the feeling that he was innocent. the sorrow and anguish he displayed seemed authentic to me....either that or he is quite the actor on an elite level.

and now the top suspect that has been arrested.....a 16 year old goth kid
the plot thickens......
and from the looks of it they are REALLY playing up the gothic factor, which is interesting in a way because it sheds light on how the media views and reports about us goths within a national headline context. the above article was not actually the first one i read about this arrest....the initial one hadn't named the teenager yet due to his age, but it said much more about him from interviews with kids that knew him or of him.....they must have mentioned him being a satanist about 7 times, that he drew pentagrams, and carried around a satanic bible.

so now the thing that has my attention is the fact that a gothic cross was carved into the victim's back. notice they do not say inverted cross....just gothic cross. now i am no satanist but of the few i know that would wear a cross i've never seen them wear it right side up.....it has only been inverted. so for this kid to be such a hardcore satanist....you would think that in committing a crime this brutal, taking the time to carve a cross in the back of the victim....done to obviously send a message.....would it be right side up? as a traditional gothic cross is. wouldn't a devoted satanist, which is what they claim he is, want to leave a satanist's mark in sending his message?

now i understand there may be other factors to consider here, after all he is only 16.....but this cross carving is pointing me more in the direction of the possibility that this kid is being framed. you would think that if he did it and made this effort to carve this cross he would be openly confessing to the crime, perhaps even boasting about it. a goth wanting to evade arrest wouldn't leave such bread crumbs behind.......especially in a community with a very remote number of goths to begin with.....i believe even a 16 year old understands that much.....

*note* if by saying gothic cross....the media is meaning an inverted one....then they really do not know what the fuck they are talking about......

Current Mood: curious
Sunday, October 9th, 2005
12:24 am
Mad Madam Mim....
with only a touch
i have the power
zim zaba rim bim
to wither a flower
i find delight
in the gruesome and grim
'cause i'm the magnificent, marvelous
mad madam mim

i can be huge
fill the whole house
i can be teeny
small as a mouse
black sorcery
is my dish of tea
you see it comes easy to me
'cause i'm the magnificent, marvelous
mad madam mim

i can be beautiful, lovely and fair
silvery voice, long purple hair
la la la la
lalala la la la
la lalalala
lalala la la la
but it's only skin deep
for zim zaberim zim
i'm an ugly old creep
the magnificent, marvelous
mad, mad, mad, mad madam mim!


i caught disney's the sword in the stone this morning....one of my many favorite childhood movies. i've seen it so many times i found myself saying the lines without thought really.....and archemeddes.....i just love that name, i believe i will use it for something someday. mad madam mim is the best i must say.....a special kind of villain....

and was it really fair to call her a cheater.....after all....she did not say no purple dragons

Current Mood: nostalgic
Sunday, October 2nd, 2005
8:56 pm
Raven Swirly Locks....









was feeling saucy last night....so i thought i would play around with the cam






in a short while i will have this house to myself again....and will be expecting a visitor at my doorstep once its vacancy has been established. this, a meeting of two entities that believe they have an uncanny connection......least to say, hopes are high. he is confident where i am cautious, and understands the reasons why.....i may be shy....at first. sometimes when i daydream about what will happen, i start to feel butterflies performing stealth manuvers in my tummy....and all that can escape is an insanely giggle. it all comes down to electrical chemistry....in that initial spark. somewhere inside, tho tiny and secluded is a steady calm awaiting the fire.....

Current Mood: indescribable
Sunday, September 25th, 2005
10:58 am
The Clever King....
i got a kick out of this one......


Current Mood: awake
Tuesday, August 30th, 2005
9:32 pm
Dearly Departed.....
alas....i am still here
meandering around in this plane of existence
my world has changed slightly since last we spoke
i lost one.....and gained another
balance fixes itself it seems
i untangled a mess of unecessary cares from my hair
and replaced them with ringlet locks of the lighthearted
i played in the sea of tranquility
and watched sunsets with my feet in the sands of time
reflected thru the moving waters
cleansed in the currents
taken with the tides
and now i am freely flowing
once again.....

Current Mood: rejuvenated
Wednesday, April 20th, 2005
9:02 pm
A Slice of Eye......



a clip from the 16 minute movie made by salvador dali in 1929 called "un chien andalou"
some say this scene warns the viewer that their regular way of seeing will be assaulted
it is noted however, that dali purposely placed no meanings behind the imagery in the film and had said himself that "no idea or image that might lend itself to a rational explanation of any kind would be accepted"

all i know is it made me squirm.......like a bad accident u can't take ur eyes off of

Current Mood: giggly
Thursday, April 14th, 2005
4:42 am
Its All In The Genes & Jeans........
a comment i made in draugen's journal.......on the subject of jealousy

jealousy is an all natural happening...it is a primitve reaction, a basic instinct within each of us. it can even be seen physiologically, the way the body reacts when in a jealous fit...it is more of a hormonal anger. when we choose a mate, one we become attached to and plan on spending part or all of our life with, our chemistry changes. our body says this is the person we will be mixing genes with and this person will only be mixing genes with us. in fact the body takes precautions to ensure this, without us even knowing. i could go further into that but i wont...hahaha

just look at the animal kingdom....it is why bucks compete for does, why lions protect their pride, and why stallions herd their mares....its all genetic ownership. we are part of that kingdom as well....HOWEVER....we are also animals of reason, we can take a step back and see it for what it is....primitive instinct. what we do from there is completely individual. i believe it is easier to suppress in some than it is for others.

so the next time u see two guys in a bar/club fighting over a girl, think of two rams butting heads for a chance to mate...they are about the same equivalent ;0)

Current Mood: calm
Saturday, April 9th, 2005
2:50 am
A Kitty Cat's Mantra.....


Current Mood: devious
Tuesday, March 22nd, 2005
11:01 pm
Frankenstein.......
locks of long hair to twirl thru my fingers
a face engraved by yearning
eyes that reflect their dominion over me
a pair of ears to whisper into
one nose to breathe me in
a set of softened lips to kiss a caress
forked tongue to taste me
a neck sensitive to touch
a chest of strength to lay my face upon
one torso to tickle
a pelvis to drape my legs over
an exquisite phallus to cherish
two possessive arms to embrace me
many fingertips to slide down my skin
a protective lap to cradle into
legs to stand their ground
and feet for my toes to play with....

electrify with alchemic chemistry
pump devotion thru his veins
implant a brain of brilliance
and a heart that has freed its pain......

Current Mood: pensive
Wednesday, March 16th, 2005
6:52 am
Testosterone, Tying String, and Time Bombs........


men.....
AAAAAAAAAAARRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!
they become like little babies when they're mad
they fuss and they pout
run away
and wont come out
the gods forbid
u catch and throw back
what they've thrown at u
thats when the curtain on the melodrama rises
and they hear applause echoing in they're middle ear
by that time anything trying to penetrate their thick skull is muted
arguing becomes futile
just a waste of breath and effort
tempers flare
and im flaming red.........

Current Mood: aggravated
Sunday, March 13th, 2005
2:56 am
Immortal Words......
i was wandering around aimlessly in cyberspace when i stumbled upon the pyramid texts in one of my favorite sites, sacred-texts.com.....the pyramid texts are the earliest writings ever found dating back to somewhere around 3000 bc inscribed along the walls of the pyramids in sakkara, egypt. they were funerary rites........

i wanted to take note of the translations i found profound created by the minds of people five thousand years away, these are from the chapter titled.......serpent charms

228
face falls on face
face sees face
a knife, colored black and green
goes out against it
until it has swallowed that which it has licked

238
a face is upon thee
thou who art on thy belly
descend on thy backbone
thou who art in thy bush
give away before the serpent
who is provided with her two heads

243
the white crown is gone forth
she has devoured the great
the tongue of the white crown has devoured the great
yet the tongue was not seen

246
that which comes out of thy mouth
is thrown back against thyself

247
extinguished is the flame
the flame serpent is not found in the house of him who possesses ombos
it is a serpent, which will bite
which has slipped back into the house of him whom it will bite
that it may remain in it

248
art thou then really here, art thou then really there?
o slave, go away

Current Mood: contemplative
Tuesday, March 1st, 2005
5:54 pm
They Are Out There.....

the giant squid
a true to life monster
one sailors told tales of long ago
is real
it is a scientific fact
yet
we have never seen one alive in this age.....

makes one wonder
what other monsters are lurking about
that we just haven't seen
yet.....




Current Mood: thoughtful
Saturday, February 26th, 2005
9:14 am
Bunny

perfection.....
he is perfection
even his flaws are perfectly placed
a giant among men
his shadow can pluck the stars from the sky
his hands could hold the world
and he intends to.....
too intelligent to make sense
and an odd angle of humor
he is not surprised when he has to offer explanation
so others can "get it"
and hidden in that is the punchline
laughter is his vehicle
invincible to embarrassment
he can summon the spotlight of attention at will
his appearance is fierce yet sexy
contradicting the ever present child inside
that tends to shy away from such notions of vanity
he believes me delusional when i flatter him
as he does now....
sometimes stern and stubborn as an ox
he is not to be dissuaded
his word is law
and he is more than pleased to argue his point
even the bold second guess themselves
caught in the spectrum of his calculating eye
it tickles him to death to disagree with me
we do bump horns often
tho he will end it outright before any bleeding occurs
i reluctantly......comply
he is not lustfully greedy
or greedily lustful
integrity is his second skin
even when opportunity falls at his feet
or lands in his lap
and they do.....
his ambition is a slave driver
never allowing himself rest
tho his aspiration is to do nothing at all
eager to help if he can
he shows concern when he believes it just
and he loves his family very much.....

i dare to even dream of deserving someone like him........

Current Mood: hopeful
Wednesday, February 16th, 2005
6:02 pm
The Blackest Widow.......
there is nothing more dangerous
than beauty scorned....
shattered dreams and tearing claws
raked across her best intentions
she was after all the epitome of female
adored.....yes
but only skin deep by wandering eyes
eyes that are caught by the best of sashays
small waists and corsetted flesh
dearest vera....she only wanted love
she thought she caught it
holding it in her precious hand
but those eyes
those wandering eyes
will wander....
flirtation is a demon to the taken
and he devoured like a demon
her fragility turned to stone
love to hatred
he will pay.....they all will pay
for every heartbreak every sliver
every broken dream
dearest vera adorned her best dress
painted her face the prettiest
and prepared a dish to die for
"come my husband
allow me to sustain you....for a time"
she set her table with her best china
reflecting shimmers of light
from thoughtfully placed silver
the chiming of crystal goblets
"come my love....come and dine"
that he did.....with a smile
and she sat watching him all the while
as he devoured like the demon would
enjoying every savory bite
then...the slightest of discomfort set in
his fork ceased
and she knew with that look
that look in those wandering eyes
that his decension had begun
and her delight started to shine
agony arrived
with a clenching hand to his belly
he knew....this was to be his last supper
in a devil's grin
she sipped her wine casually...waiting
"you will never leave me" were the last words
he would ever hear......
some would think once would be enough
but not for dearest vera
the lady had a cause
and that cause was to eliminate
wandering eyes with wedding rings
beauty you see.....is the best lure
and she lured
enchanting them
with her own sashay
and a face to die for
and they did....one by one
feeding them her poisonous intentions
it became her ritual
dragging their corpse
down the steps....thump thump thump
to her wine cellar
she lovingly placed each in their own caskets
of pretty metallic zinc
for preservation you see
her trophies.....all hers
"you will never leave me"
and they never did......
not one of the 35 of them
including two husbands

that is until she was found out by a wife looking for her husband......number 35
dearest vera renczi of bucharest was sentenced to life alone in a cage

Current Mood: sympathetic
Thursday, February 3rd, 2005
8:59 pm
Steeling Me......
love you to death......


in her place
one hundred candles burning
as salty sweat
drips from her breast
her hips move
and i can feel what they're saying
swaying
they say the beast inside of me's
gonna get ya
get ya
yeah....

black lipstick stains
her glass of red wine
i am your servant
may i light your cigarette?
those lips smooth
yeah i can feel what you're saying
praying
they say the beast inside of me's
gonna get ya
get ya
yeah...

i beg to serve
your wish is my law
now close those eyes
and let me love you to death
shall i prove
i mean what i'm saying
begging
i say the beast inside of me's
gonna get ya
get ya
yeah.....

let me love you.....to death

am i good enough.....for you?
am i good enough......for you? am i?
am i good enough......for you?


mmmmmmmmuah >= )

Current Mood: naughty
Thursday, January 13th, 2005
3:21 pm
Musement Needed.....
i am having a lack of inspiration.....
i hate these black voids of nothing.....the blank canvas....the empty page
i want to write....i want to feel its flow, where my fingers find it hard to keep up with the spilling of my mind.....the giddiness....the not eating the whole day because i haven't the time or desire to do so.....the exhaustion and the early rising despite the lingering need for sleep. i love it all.....where has it gone?

i need stimulation.....but finding it can be a tricky thing....tricky tricky tricky
it has to be just right to create that purely electric spark in my recesses
adequate enuf to liquify and stir the brew therein......

patience patience dear....i can see myself reprimanding me with those words along with a knowing eye and the shaking of a finger.....it is what i would tell someone with this same predicament. cheap advice, tho it may be true......but my patience is running thin.....i wonder if that is due to my age now, i know i was much better at it before.....

i was called a liar the other day.....and tho this would normally not ruffle a single feather of mine it seemed to get under my skin....i suppose because of who it was and that they were so adamant about it as if it were fact.....and over something so foolish at that! bloody bastard.....i should have known better. a mule....is a mule....is a mule....

i digress....

perhaps writing about my need for bless'ed inspiration is just the thing needed to invoke it....t'would be nice t'wouldn't it....

Current Mood: determined
Saturday, December 11th, 2004
7:49 pm
The Burning Cycle......
i was watching a documentary the other night on understanding fire. they did a segment on forest fires and why they occur. i, like many, know that tho forest fires are devastating they are natural and needed.....but most dont understand why. see when a forest lives untouched it goes thru the natural process of procreation....making seedlings every season creating other little trees. with more and more facimiles a dense forest is then produced. dense forests suck the ground dry of its minerals, trying to meet the supply and demand it now has to cope with...this then brings about trees of poor quality. they become brittle and sickly looking with thinned out leaves and trunks. with the amount of oxygen in the air and fuel at hand....all it takes is a spark, usually from a strike of lightning.....to burn it all to the ground on a mass scale. the aftermath is then absorbed back into the ground over the years, replenishing the earth, and soon new forest grows back....stronger with greater vitality and durability.

now if this cycle does not happen on a regular basis the fire becomes all the more intense and will reach farther than normal. yellowstone park made the mistake of preventing these from occuring naturally and they suffered the retribution when finally in 1988 a blaze started and wiped out half of the entire park. no matter the thousands of firefighters and military and intellect.....man could not put out that fire. the blaze itself got so hot it created massive firestorms....and let me say that those are the most beautiful and deadly displays of nature i've ever seen....they looked like white, yellow, and orange wisps of glowing phantoms, swirling with the wind.

after thinking about all this it came to mind that people are like these forests. we grow and grow and sometimes become too abundant, spreading ourselves thin, then when it is all too much something sparks and we are burned down to the ground. however after some time, when we rise from our ashes we see that we are then better than we were before. there are those that try to protect themselves, by taking every precaution.....every prevention.....holding on to themselves for dear life, they soon realize that when they are finally burned, and it is inevitable, it becomes an inferno, and is all the more harder to experience and recover from.....

it is better to live life and sometimes play with fire while ur at it......

Current Mood: contemplative
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